Today was difficult...
I had a horrible dream about SR that woke me up in tears. I think it was brought on by a trip that was planned for this weekend up island (where he lives); not to see him but to go camping with friends and watch a surf comp. Just the thought of being in close proximity to him but with things so estranged and unclear is making me sick to my stomach. I'm cancelling the trip...I'll go camping elsewhere. I'm not ready to put myself in a scenario that could end up with me either seeing him and having a great time, or having him hide from me and feeling that rejection.... I'm not willing to do that to myself at this point.
From this dream it's also clear to me that not knowing where he stands in all of this is really getting to me. His reluctance to speak to me and his random cryptic messages are just infuriating! I've read his last message over a dozen times, trying to find hidden meaning in each word. I guess if I take it at face value, without assuming I know how he feels, he's just not willing to make any kind of effort. So I should just let him go...it hurts because I really liked him. I still really like him. And I would be willing to take as much time as needed to give him space. The harsh truth is that he doesn't seem to feel the same. His journey is clearly a solitary one and I guess I just don't fit in anymore. I'm not a mindreader..and I have my limits in what exactly I can put up with!
I'm just so sick of men talking out of their asses... I'm so sick of it. When SR and I started dating he got right in there, talking about love, relationships, kids and casually dropping hints about moving to be closer to me. We would talk for hours on the phone...he opened up to me and made me feel like I could open up to him. He laid it on so thick, and then he ran away! Why would someone DO that? Have I done that? If so, that's awful!
Actions speak louder than words, and there's nothing that infuriates me more than people who I can't trust or who have no follow-through. I remember this huge fight I got into with my father, over the same kind of deal. His years of "best intentions" and excuses about work had just been piling up on my back and when he cancelled a dinner with me right before I moved out west, I just lost it. I wrote him a scathing email and wouldn't respond when he tried frantically to call me back. He ended up cancelling his business trip to see me...but...why did it take that? Why did it take me almost forfeiting a relationship with him to finally make him move? And why am I wasting my time with another workaholic, inconsiderate, inaccessible man as a lover? I just want to let go of that need for a connection with someone who can't connect. I'm realizing just how much SR reminds me of my dad...Is that why I'm putting up with so much more than I normally would with a guy? Am I somehow projecting this need to be loved that is actually aimed at my father and not him at all? This is some heavy shit! What do I do with these realizations?!
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