The Bad Boy

I have been reading some interesting lit on the topic of 'bad boys'. Upon reflection, I've realized that I've always been attracted to them. From as early as I can remember...even in kindergarden! I wasn't interested in the nice guy that might share his juice box with me. Oh no! I was after the cutest boy, the one that switched girlfriends daily. His name was Brent. The other girls and I would even draw pictures of princesses on the chalkboard and have him judge them to decide who his girl du jour would be. I usually won cause I could draw long flowing curly hair really well. I digress!

So, the topic of bad boys came up in some pretty typical she-rah woman power lit that I've stumbled across in this mancation. Pretty interesting stuff, I tell ya. I mean, I've always known that I'm drawn to a certain kind of guy. Mysterious, charming bordering on cocky, hard to get but once you've got him he just lavishes affection, edgey...etc. My first serious bf was in jail a few weeks after we got together; for a graffiti charge, but still! Just reaffirms it. Before him, I would be drawn to punks, skaters, pretty boys, and guys who rode bikes and wore leather. The archetype, really! And they were the ones that hurt me. If I wasn't rejected by them, they would do things like lead me on and ultimately go back to their on-again off-again usually nightmarish girlfriends, talk the talk with no walk to speak of, love me then disappear, ooor we would have a tumultuous relationship that ended in a huge explosion of a break up.

Now, as a woman approaching 30, with all this time and with all I've learned from all my relationships, I'm still drawn to this type of guy. And they're all too willing to indulge me; I just can't shake them, really. Trouble is, I don't want them anymore! But how do I shift from something that's been seemingly hardwired into my brain for over 20 years? Most of the articles I've been reading explain the attraction to the bad boy, so that's clear. We are just physically drawn to them; subconsciously we want to save them; we think we're the one that can break through their fortresses, etc etc. Even though I have actually managed to do this with some of them, the end result is equally disastrous. It seems that once you've won over the bad boy's heart, the relationship just becomes completely codependent, far too intense, and sometimes borderline abusive. They don't want to lose you, you hurt each other, and things can get ugly.

I've tried dating good guys, but honestly I get bored of them in the matter of a few weeks. I can't help but roll my eyes at their immediate desire for commitment, their cheesy clothes or "bad" taste in music. When I see a tattooed, stylish guy with some attitude and who plays hard to get, I just can't help but feel weak in the knees. When I get them, I feel like I've hunted a tiger. It's an odd sense of accomplishment!

But there's a clear, physiological disconnect here. I'm at a point in my life where I want a stable partner who will be a great father and my best friend but I'm attracted to the hot jerk that will surely end in a disaster.

Some people seem to think that some women tend to want to have children with bad boys, because they're so physically attracted to them, but want good guys to raise them. I think this is more common in younger relationships, but there is definitely some truth to it! If you look at evolutionary psychology, there is still an innate and very strong desire to procreate with the alpha male; he who is aggressive, spontaneous, physically powerful and beautiful. Our insides, our pheromones, whatever it is...very simply and in a very primal way, want to jump their bones. But we don't want to actually be with these men in the long run. The other qualities that our reasonable minds, which at this point aren't as evolved, want in a partner - stability, security, loyalty, etc - can only be found in the form of the good guy.

But...I don't want that! I want to have children with the same man that I plan on having as my partner. I just need to shake this pattern before I fall victim to the trend. No one seems to have the answer to that, beyond the obvious: stop dating bad boys. It's gonna be harder than I thought, this whole reconditioning. Especially since I can't seem to shake my latest bad boy. Bad Melissa! OK I'll admit it. I had a minor relapse with him on Thursday...I rationalize it by: the tequila that was in my belly, it being a grad gift to myself, and also the fact that I didn't really have a final romp before I went on this mancation; no fare well to the physical. But that was a one time deal. I'm back on track...I went 2 months and plan on continuing...no use in punishing myself! I mean, this is for me, after all. Sigh.

Blast from the past...

So...it's been a slightly eventful couple of days in the ole hetox. I almost started a fling with tattoo boy, but managed to stop myself just in the nick of time. He asked me out on Saturday night, but I managed to resist and am glad I did. Once he realized that I was onto his "trouble" and I had tried explaining to him that I was on a man detox, he threw a tantrum and I haven't heard from him since. I can only imagine what actually seeing him would have been like! That'll learn me...no more young bad boys. NO more.

Was feeling down in the dumps today, and fielded work from the comfort of my couch. Still clearly upset about SR's most recent disappearing act and even though I've let him go in many ways, it still just agitates me that someone could just leave things as they currently are. I feel like I deserve more than that stupid facebook note he wrote me 2 weeks ago.

Randomly came across a message I had missed from JD's ex. JD is this academic superstar ecologist/conservationist that travels the world or lives tucked away in a cabin up in the mountains of Utah; we've been having an on-again off-again thing with since we met in Paris last year...After we had spent the entire weekend together last winter, he emailed me a confessional that he was in an "open" relationship that probably wouldn't last. He only just broke up with her a few months ago. Well, according to his ex it wasn't quite as open as he made it sound, and now I'm left with this message in my inbox and I'm not sure what to do with it. Write her back? I guess it's not my drama, but I was a part of it. Ugh...

Sigh.
It blows my mind, really. And I must say, I'm just disheartened in men in general. My own romantic situations, those I hear about through my friends. Is it all worth it? Are all men cowards? Do all men cheat and hurt? Do all men freak out and get insecure and run away? Do all men talk the talk but not walk the walk? Or are these just the ones I attract? Are boring, conservative types any better? I wonder. I really do... Discouraging.

Friday - Day..??

Friday! And not much to report...I bounced back from that bad dream and settled happily into my decision to stick around here for the weekend. There is plenty of fun art and music stuff happening, the sun will be out, and I'll be surrounded by my lovely friends.

I've been having some deep insights lately, with some ups and downs and bumps and such. Mostly, I've just been spending time alone, watching movies, NOT calling people I shouldn't. It's been great, surprisingly!

On the man front, slight distractions from guys that seem to instinctively know that I'm unavailable and so make an extra effort to remind me that they exist. Still no word from SR, and I've somewhat accepted that I probably won't hear from him for some time. Which is actually fine with me, as getting back into a dialogue with him at this point wouldn't be the best thing for me. The young tattoo artist that I know is trouble continues to occasionally send me adorably sweet texts, and to be honest, that slight little affection, albeit binary, is a welcomed momentary indulgence that I think is just innocent and fun. Had coffee with TC, who is coincidentally also on a break from his partner. We had a good chuckle in the sunshine as he told me about his "sex fast" a few years back - he was impressed that he made it to 40 days.

Most people that hear about my mancation first look shocked, but all seem to think it's a good idea. I guess my reputation of being a man-eater is pretty steadfast. Looks like a long road ahead of me....

Deep thoughts in Day 5

Today was difficult...

I had a horrible dream about SR that woke me up in tears. I think it was brought on by a trip that was planned for this weekend up island (where he lives); not to see him but to go camping with friends and watch a surf comp. Just the thought of being in close proximity to him but with things so estranged and unclear is making me sick to my stomach. I'm cancelling the trip...I'll go camping elsewhere. I'm not ready to put myself in a scenario that could end up with me either seeing him and having a great time, or having him hide from me and feeling that rejection.... I'm not willing to do that to myself at this point.

From this dream it's also clear to me that not knowing where he stands in all of this is really getting to me. His reluctance to speak to me and his random cryptic messages are just infuriating! I've read his last message over a dozen times, trying to find hidden meaning in each word. I guess if I take it at face value, without assuming I know how he feels, he's just not willing to make any kind of effort. So I should just let him go...it hurts because I really liked him. I still really like him. And I would be willing to take as much time as needed to give him space. The harsh truth is that he doesn't seem to feel the same. His journey is clearly a solitary one and I guess I just don't fit in anymore. I'm not a mindreader..and I have my limits in what exactly I can put up with!

I'm just so sick of men talking out of their asses... I'm so sick of it. When SR and I started dating he got right in there, talking about love, relationships, kids and casually dropping hints about moving to be closer to me. We would talk for hours on the phone...he opened up to me and made me feel like I could open up to him. He laid it on so thick, and then he ran away! Why would someone DO that? Have I done that? If so, that's awful!

Actions speak louder than words, and there's nothing that infuriates me more than people who I can't trust or who have no follow-through. I remember this huge fight I got into with my father, over the same kind of deal. His years of "best intentions" and excuses about work had just been piling up on my back and when he cancelled a dinner with me right before I moved out west, I just lost it. I wrote him a scathing email and wouldn't respond when he tried frantically to call me back. He ended up cancelling his business trip to see me...but...why did it take that? Why did it take me almost forfeiting a relationship with him to finally make him move? And why am I wasting my time with another workaholic, inconsiderate, inaccessible man as a lover? I just want to let go of that need for a connection with someone who can't connect. I'm realizing just how much SR reminds me of my dad...Is that why I'm putting up with so much more than I normally would with a guy? Am I somehow projecting this need to be loved that is actually aimed at my father and not him at all? This is some heavy shit! What do I do with these realizations?!

Old habits die hard

So, the weekend. As much as I love weekends, I was a little nervous about this one, what with my new hetox underway and all. Rational sober me is just fine and dandy with my decision, but once you get a little of the moonshine in me, well…heartloins tend to take over. But! I did behave. Well, I mean, within reason. OK fine! I exchanged numbers with a dreamy tattoo artist that I’ve had a mini-crush on for a while, but it was harmless. And who’s to say I can’t pursue something with him at some point down the road? But that’s the thing. I know deep down that I shouldn’t - he has trouble written all over him. So anyways, I’m working hard on resisting temptations and hopefully in the process will be able to redefine what I find attractive.

Old habits do indeed die hard though, and this reconditioning is definitely not going to happen overnight! Almost my entire life has been spent swooning over guys, so I’m going to have to be patient with myself and not beat myself up if I have minor slip-ups. I think the first important step was actually realizing that this was a bigger problem than I initially thought. I kept assuming I just wasn’t meeting the right guys, and never thought that maybe I was just never ready. Also, I think I need to set out some boundaries or rules for this hetox. Should I rule out any and all physical contact? No dates, even coffee? I guess at this point it's probably safer to just rule out any and everything. I don't know if I have the discipline at this stage to start bending the rules. Although I did manage to tell one potential suitor that I was on a mancation - it was actually easier to discuss than I thought! Perhaps it's like a pendulum of sorts - you go from one extreme (total liberty with men) to another (this 6-month hiatus), and hopefully I'll settle somewhere in the middle (sane, functional loving relationship). Sigh. This is tricky...

Day 2

I think one important process that will surely continue throughout the next few months will be profound reflection. Not regret, but taking the time to really remember my past loves and acknowledge the mistakes that I may have made during our relationship/courtship, etc. I think that it’s easy to vilify or even fail to recognize anything beautiful with someone that you may have veered so far away from. Maybe that's easier than owning up to your own faults in the relationship....

I find a pattern that I’ve had in the past is also in idealizing a past lover, convincing myself that they were “the one that got away” except the reality would be “the one I ran away from”. The only truly amazing men I've been with, I left. I felt like I wasn't ready, maybe I actually didn't think I could handle being happy? Who knows! So reeling from that, in the past 4 years (actually, it may be more), I have been the master heartbreaker. Not that I'm proud. I think it just means that I'm not picking the right men to be with, and eventually it always fizzles and dies. I've also recognized that I tend to date men that I know will never leave me, and end up leaving them instead. Abandonment issues, much?

To get around this, I started experimenting with the state of my relationships - nothing official, no restrictions. Since I wasn't really anyone’s “girlfriend”, I could easily bend the rules and easily bow out of the affair. Though I always felt that I rooted everything in openness and would be quite frank about how I felt, what I could offer, etc., sometimes it still ended with heartbreak. I think that in a few cases, the men I was with didn’t really believe that I wasn’t falling in love with them. Maybe they thought I was afraid of commitment but with enough time I would come around. Maybe…but I never stuck around long enough to find out. Why am I so fucked up? That’s the question. I think it stems from two major relationships in my life that I haven't really dealt with. But that will be discussed another day.

I mentioned in my first post that I’ve always been boy crazy. When girls become women, boy crazy can become something far more risky; much is at stake (hearts, homes, happiness), the dangers become more real. My boy craziness had me going from a series of 2ish-year-long relationships, back to back to back to back (with occasional overlap - bad, I know). By the end of ohhh almost 8 years of really making an effort with my partners, living with them at times, travelling with them at times…I was simply exhausted. I always felt at some point that I was taken for granted, or the attraction would wane, or my wandering eye would start up… Sometimes, I realize now, I would lack patience. I have huge expectations of the men I’m with once we’re together. When I first meet them and they have little to nothing going on in their lives, I don’t seem deterred. Which is kind of interesting. The whole fixer-upper syndrome, perhaps.

After my last serious partner, I kinda…got crazy. I was living in a different place, much more laidback than back east. Far less emphasis on conventional relationships. There are heaps and heaps of single people in this town, and they seem genuinely thrilled about it! Through this, I was losing my strict discipline/standards that I had worked so hard to gain through the rough times of my teenage years into my life as an undergrad in Ottawa and Spain. I spent some time in short-lived, but lovely, flings that each lasted a few months. I also experienced some of my first “take someone homes” in this time. But I’m not one for one-night-stands, so these typically turned into little flings as well. It was fun, but a few years later I feel…even more exhausted than I did before.

It seems that staying in relationships for years that aren’t really making you happy is exhausting. So is being single and dating and experimenting with different types of love and lust, jumping around from guy to guy. The whole thing, wow. Just typing this and remembering all the intensity, the debates, the distractions, the eventual crash and burn, the hurt, the frustration, the anxiety, but also the passion, the excitement, the novelty...it's overwhelming.

So at the end of these years as a lover/partner….I’m tired. It’s not to say I’m sick of men. Oh no – I simply adore men. Their smell, their lips, how clumsy and cute they can be. I just need to take a breather because I actually want certain things in my life that I’ve been unable to attain in my previous approaches to love. OK, that’s some more background, but back to the day to day.

To celebrate my first day of hetox, I finally went to a Moksha yoga class that I’ve been meaning to go to for months and got myself a month-membership. I was sitting on my couch, thinking about SR annoyingly enough (he was supposed to call to “chat” but never did), and I said to myself, “what the hell are you doing?”. To which I quickly self-replied “what the hell am I doing.” I jumped up, walked down to the studio and spent 90 minutes sweating and stretching – kinda like sex, minus the lovely ending. Ha!

Lying in the room, feeling my breath, I released my tensions and celebrated this new path that I’m creating for myself. It really felt great. Afterwards I popped into a vintage auction and scored some lovely pieces for my place. It was a warm balmy evening and by the time I got home, had a bath and a tea, I was spent. I did falter though. I tried phoning SR while I was in the tub. We had this ongoing thing where we would talk in the tub and I rationalized calling him to make sure he didn’t misinterpret the message I wrote him explaining my little 'mancation' since he didn't phone earlier. Sigh! Excuses, excuses. He didn’t answer, I didn’t leave a message. I will NOT phone him again.

Tonight is Friday and there are some fun things going on. I’m going to really limit my drinks, as I tend to misbehave when under the influence. I’m also considering leaving my cell at home to avoid my occasional habit of drunk-dialing. There’s also an early morning yoga class I want to go to, and have a full day of running around, tattoo touch-ups and going-away parties to attend!

It starts here.

I guess I should start by introducing myself and explain why I’ve decided to publically chronicle one of potentially the most personal experiences of my life. My name is Melissa and I live on a big lovely island on the West Coast of Canada. I’ve lived here for almost 4 years and my life leading up to this has been, without going into all the nitty gritty details, pretty damn enriching, exciting, exhilarating, and eventful. From humble beginnings in a small town in Quebec, I’ve managed to travel the world, used to be a model, have a few degrees under my belt, have had some profound experiences that have truly shaped my mind and intentions in life….all things considered, I feel blessed and I’m a very content person.

I’m in the last year of my 20s, have a fantastic apartment that I share with my psychotic but loving fat Siamese cat, have a great job, am in a rad band, have a fantastic circle of friends, am in pretty flawless health despite the obvious vices of caffeine and booze…so what’s my deal? Oh poor me, I’m a former model with a Master’s degree and boo hoo I can’t find love? I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m just hoping to share my story because I think it’s an important process and one that I’ve been avoiding for years. Maybe all my life!

Kind of a cliché, really. I have a twin brother and big sister, and two half-sisters. Yes, this means my parents are divorced – huge shocker these days. So, yes. I’ve known most of my life that I have, to use a very technical term: “daddy issues”. For as long as I can remember, I have been absolutely boy crazy. But my sexuality and really, my need to connect with someone in that intimate way, has led me to make bad decisions over the years and I’ve realized now that allowing passion to be my compass, I’ve been simply exhausting myself.

It’s hard to say when this hetox really started. Something switched in my mind and heart on New Years day. Since then I’ve definitely shifted in my sexual appetite and ability to throw myself into situations that aren’t healthy. That being said, I did continue to see E (tall dark handsome artist type, infinitely tortured and only into that big all-consuming love/lust – way too intense for real life) until at least March, so it wasn’t quite as revolutionary as it sounds.

Once I met, or re-met, SR (the Beckham lookalike surfer with the tattoos, mysterious and oh so manly, with eyes that cut into you like blue machetes), something else shifted. I was so overwhelmed by my attraction to him and the potential that I saw with us; something inside me was advising me to focus my energy on this one. But in retrospect, that sounds a bit like a broken record. I'm a hopeless romantic you see, and I often have those epiphanies where I believe I've met THE ONE. The trouble with SR was that I had been lusting after him somewhere in the dark corners of my heartloins since I met him a year prior, so a lot was built up in my expectations. We started seeing each other and it immediately got heavy and intense. Fast-forward to now…. He’s not ready for a relationship and has told me this. I for some reason took that as a challenge, not realizing that I was just setting myself up to get hurt. But the good part of this has been that by genuinely being interested in someone (more than the one lover of many scenario that I’ve been enjoying (?) the last several years) I managed to make some important steps.

1. I got rid of my backburners…kinda. When I met SR, I knew that the only way to make something work is to focus on one person. I'm realizing now that that person should be me! OK, I still have moments of weakness, usually when I’m home alone and bored and online. If some gorgeous man that I know is still pining over me starts chatting, I almost always respond. That is going to be one major focus of this hetox – getting off my damn computer, and purging guys from my facebook that really shouldn’t be there.

2. While I was swooning over SR, I started to do things for me. At first it was to distract myself from thinking about him or checking to see if he had texted or messaged me. I started redecorating my house, working on creative projects. In this time I also joined a band and have been spending a lot of time with my good solid girlfriends who aren’t boy crazy (another issue that I’ll bring up later). This has been such an important step towards focusing on myself and my life, and I'm realizing now that maybe I've been using guys as a distraction from certain parts of life, but what has happened simultaneously is that I've been missing out on all the wonderful parts of life that come with being alone!

3. I started reading Rumi…now, this is going to sound flakey as heck, but I don’t care. One day, I was feeling really depressed about the state of the government (we had just lost the election to the Cons) and work was drab. I just couldn’t focus on anything and well, my heart hurt! I wanted to move somewhere else, do something dramatic. I stopped into a bookstore and grabbed three books: In Defense of Food, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and Rumi’s book of love poetry. It was one of those moments that you see in movies. Like each poem was written precisely for my own soul. The whole notion of looking inward, finding love from within…etc etc, I always knew I should be doing that, but wasn’t sure exactly how to. Even though many of his poems may have been written for his love and muse, I felt them resonating to a very solitary part of my soul. With a little bit thrown in here and there that I projected onto SR (hey, it takes a while to recondition!)

4. Once SR steered away from me in order to continue working on himself, and once I stopped making excuses for his behaviour and actually accepted the fact that he really wasn’t ready (huh, shocking! Just like he told me but I wouldn’t listen), it helped push me into where I currently am sitting. If someone could ignore an obvious connection because they knew they needed to work on themselves, why couldn't I? If it's truly meant to be, then we can find each other down the road somewhere, when both of us are good and ready.

So all this has led me to recognize that...I need a break! I need to NOT have a man in my mind at all times, I need to stop having sex (even though I really really really really love sex), I need to listen to my heart and sort out why it is that I can’t commit to the right guys, seem to attract the same guy over and over again, never get the guy that I actually want. I want to stop obsessing about men, stop connecting with every good-looking guy that I have that spark with, and fill myself with love. My own love.

I’ve known that this has needed to happen, but I get so easily distracted with the opposite sex. I’m realizing now that it’s actually an addiction of sorts. I’m a lover of love but as Rumi writes: "if you love love, look for yourself". My Mum mentioned the notion of a ‘mancation’ – she read about it or saw it on some show and the concept was to take a deliberate break from men. Right around that same time, a good friend of mine said something along those same lines and I was venting about SR and deciding whether or not I would stay on the sidelines while he worked on himself. Why wasn’t I doing the same thing – not for him, but for me? I know the rest of my friends and family support my decision…I was getting sick of them not being enthusiastic when I talked about a new guy. But hello! It’s because they never last more than a few months! And I mean, I’m almost 30 so this has been going on for a while.

I’ve decided to journal this experience and am considering today the first official day of my hetox. I'm not sure why I've decided to post this on a blog..I guess it makes me more accountable to the process in a way. I’ve decided to spend about 30 minutes a day chronicling the experience. I’m thinking I would like to take 6-months man free - I'd really like to get to my 30th birthday in October having had this time of celibacy, cleansing, and clarity. I think it would be a pretty wonderful way to start a new chapter in my life!

So internet world, welcome to the depths of my heart and soul! Stay awhile…and listen to me go through man-withdrawal, do some patchwork on the ole ticker, and hopefully revolutionize the way I look at love.