OK, phew, oh boy...where to begin?
The mancation, while still technically on, has taken a few brief hiatuses. But over all, I've been so very well-behaved!
I've been good about letting go of SR...we finally talked on the phone while I was out east visiting family. I guess I got some "closure" or at least an explanation for his dropping completely off the radar. But as per usual, he was vague and ambiguous in his statements. He doesn't want to cut me loose, but he's offering me absolutely nada at the moment, and so I guess it just struck me. It's just not happening! And besides...I also continued to realize while I was back east just how much he really does remind me of my father. Do I really want a partner that can completely shut down and shut me out emotionally when he's going through a hard time? Someone who works all the time and is able to just ignore everything and one else? I would probably lose my mind. As crazy as I am about his guy, it's become clear that he's not ready and even if he was - would it really work? No use speculating.
This whole examining patterns and isolating archetypes has been truly fascinating. I've been trying to dissect the minds of men as often as possible, in hopes that I can crack a code in a way, and develop a deeper understanding as to why men act the way they do, and why women are attracted to guys that are bad for them, and vice versa. So, lots of introspection, lots of reading, lots of writing. Song writing too!
So in this time, my friend started a sex club. She's a sex educator and wanted to offer a nice, fun, safe, empowering space for women of different walks and talks to gather and discuss everything under the sexmoon. It really couldn't have come at a better time, though I'm feeling a little sheepish in that I'll have to admit I caved on my hetox with precisely the kind of guy I'm trying to eliminate from my intimate-diet.
The first night our club met actually, just hours after I had told the girls what I was trying to achieve, how I wanted to rewire my brain..I got a text from O. We hadn't seen each other since that grad gift to myself (ha!), though he had started texting me again when I was back east for a few weeks. When we first met, he was just so typical. And at that point, I didn't really have trouble writing him off as a one time thing; my last "hit" before getting off the bad boy juice for good. I resisted, but in our more recent correspondances, I could sense a difference in him. Then we randomly bumped into each other at a show the next night, and once we started talking, the exchanges that we made were nothing short of inspiring. He completely opened up to me about everything; like all this stuff has been sitting on the tip of his tongue but nobody has bothered asking him. He's really trying to change his ways, and the growing pains are clearly difficult. He's a pretty extreme guy, and in the matter of a month he's decided to change his outlook, his patterns, heck even clean up his look! I hope he realizes how difficult this road will be. But, I'm not going to save him, and I don't want to be his lover. I do want to be his friend. I think he could benefit from my mind a little. I have this weird effect on men in that very quickly after meeting me, they tend to regain focus and want to better themselves...not to boast, it's just the truth! He surrounds himself with such toxic people...And in this friendship, I think I'll be able to understand his breed a little better..
So we spent 2 days just talking and talking, walking, spending time with his son...I saw the softer side of him, and it was really nice. Though I'm not kidding myself - he is trouble, he has serious baggage and serious emotional scars. I'm not going to fall into an affair with him. I just think that part of this therapy requires that I understand my attractions more, and who better to show me than the archetype himself? So, even though there's clearly a deep physical attraction between us, we're both invested in learning from each other and in being friends! Just have to stop the whole cuddling portion. Hey, baby steps...
