The Bad Boy

I have been reading some interesting lit on the topic of 'bad boys'. Upon reflection, I've realized that I've always been attracted to them. From as early as I can remember...even in kindergarden! I wasn't interested in the nice guy that might share his juice box with me. Oh no! I was after the cutest boy, the one that switched girlfriends daily. His name was Brent. The other girls and I would even draw pictures of princesses on the chalkboard and have him judge them to decide who his girl du jour would be. I usually won cause I could draw long flowing curly hair really well. I digress!

So, the topic of bad boys came up in some pretty typical she-rah woman power lit that I've stumbled across in this mancation. Pretty interesting stuff, I tell ya. I mean, I've always known that I'm drawn to a certain kind of guy. Mysterious, charming bordering on cocky, hard to get but once you've got him he just lavishes affection, edgey...etc. My first serious bf was in jail a few weeks after we got together; for a graffiti charge, but still! Just reaffirms it. Before him, I would be drawn to punks, skaters, pretty boys, and guys who rode bikes and wore leather. The archetype, really! And they were the ones that hurt me. If I wasn't rejected by them, they would do things like lead me on and ultimately go back to their on-again off-again usually nightmarish girlfriends, talk the talk with no walk to speak of, love me then disappear, ooor we would have a tumultuous relationship that ended in a huge explosion of a break up.

Now, as a woman approaching 30, with all this time and with all I've learned from all my relationships, I'm still drawn to this type of guy. And they're all too willing to indulge me; I just can't shake them, really. Trouble is, I don't want them anymore! But how do I shift from something that's been seemingly hardwired into my brain for over 20 years? Most of the articles I've been reading explain the attraction to the bad boy, so that's clear. We are just physically drawn to them; subconsciously we want to save them; we think we're the one that can break through their fortresses, etc etc. Even though I have actually managed to do this with some of them, the end result is equally disastrous. It seems that once you've won over the bad boy's heart, the relationship just becomes completely codependent, far too intense, and sometimes borderline abusive. They don't want to lose you, you hurt each other, and things can get ugly.

I've tried dating good guys, but honestly I get bored of them in the matter of a few weeks. I can't help but roll my eyes at their immediate desire for commitment, their cheesy clothes or "bad" taste in music. When I see a tattooed, stylish guy with some attitude and who plays hard to get, I just can't help but feel weak in the knees. When I get them, I feel like I've hunted a tiger. It's an odd sense of accomplishment!

But there's a clear, physiological disconnect here. I'm at a point in my life where I want a stable partner who will be a great father and my best friend but I'm attracted to the hot jerk that will surely end in a disaster.

Some people seem to think that some women tend to want to have children with bad boys, because they're so physically attracted to them, but want good guys to raise them. I think this is more common in younger relationships, but there is definitely some truth to it! If you look at evolutionary psychology, there is still an innate and very strong desire to procreate with the alpha male; he who is aggressive, spontaneous, physically powerful and beautiful. Our insides, our pheromones, whatever it is...very simply and in a very primal way, want to jump their bones. But we don't want to actually be with these men in the long run. The other qualities that our reasonable minds, which at this point aren't as evolved, want in a partner - stability, security, loyalty, etc - can only be found in the form of the good guy.

But...I don't want that! I want to have children with the same man that I plan on having as my partner. I just need to shake this pattern before I fall victim to the trend. No one seems to have the answer to that, beyond the obvious: stop dating bad boys. It's gonna be harder than I thought, this whole reconditioning. Especially since I can't seem to shake my latest bad boy. Bad Melissa! OK I'll admit it. I had a minor relapse with him on Thursday...I rationalize it by: the tequila that was in my belly, it being a grad gift to myself, and also the fact that I didn't really have a final romp before I went on this mancation; no fare well to the physical. But that was a one time deal. I'm back on track...I went 2 months and plan on continuing...no use in punishing myself! I mean, this is for me, after all. Sigh.